Writing Context
This was written during my 2 month residency at Zen Mountain Monastery in 2025
Where is the breath?
Since being here, I have been engaging with a practice that involves following & counting the breath.
Before coming here I’ve been predominantly meditating with The Five Aggregates alongside an open awareness Shikantaza practice.
The counting practice is a core and essential practice within the ZMM training and it’s deeply nourishing to return to this practice in a dedicated way after not having done for quite a while.
I stepped into the Daisan room
(Daisan is a formal method for one-on-one teaching.)
Bow
Walk to the cushion
Bow
Sit down
Hastily and nervously curl up the lengths of my robe that landed on his zaputan
My name is Mike
And I am practicing counting
I began to speak to Gokan and was mentioning how during zazen the breath would become very faint, this would cause the mind to be drawn down to the subtlety with a concentration that is deeply focused and poignant.
After resting in that there would be silence to which a series of experiences would wash over me.
A symphony of ringing fills my ears, while waves of pleasure crash upon the shores of my body
I would become the breath
Complete stillness
Only breath
But just for a moment
After which, a chant or song, or thought would return to my mind
Yet, even without complete stillness, there would still be the WubWubWub sensations of pleasure and the ringing in the ears.
And I’d want them to get stronger.
It’s alluring, juicy, exciting and it feels goooood
And so I asked, do I move my focus to the sensational river or continue following and counting the breath?
To which he replied
“Well…where is the breath?”
A simple response, answering a question with a question.
Thank you teacher, for the side quest 🙏
Finding an answer to this has been profound for me.
The search for an answer and how it’s been unfurling for me
There is no verbal answer to this question, but there is an answer - and it must be experienced.
When we look for our pillow after waking up in the middle of the night
A new moon, no light, pure darkness,
Only hand consciousness exists.
We bring our attention fully to the hand.
This question is so intimate, “where is the breath?”
It brings me right into my body, right into the direct felt experience of being alive! It’s a plunging right into a single moment that has the potential to cascade into the unfolding of my life from milliseconds to minutes and maybe even to days and years. Can I live with the breath, fully?
It is right here, so close, always - until my last one.
I’ve been asking myself this throughout the day, as I write this, as I eat, as I listen, as I do most things.
Gokan has planted a seed inside me, that I am watering, I don’t know where it will lead or what fruits it may bear, but I trust that it is useful for me.
Though I do not believe that a plant will spring up where no seed has been, I have great faith in a seed. Convince me that you have a seed there, and I am prepared to expect wonders
- Henry David Thoreau
An expression
A simple question
An invocation
An invitation
To enter into myself
Oh so intimately
Where…is…the breath?
The question springs a search
Moving through the layers
of thought, of mind
Past concepts, beyond words
Into a single series of moments, like shifting sands
Grain by grain I sift, until grain and I are gone
Ah
Hello old friend