I got to experience this at Upaya in such a beautiful way, it was super impactful for me. I use this in my men’s circle and have been able to hold similar circles using aspects of it many times.

Rules of Council

Source: https://www.upaya.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/Council-Handout-Jared.pdf

Guiding Principles:

• Sit in a circle (ideally on the ground)… we’re all on the same level, in the same boat
• Use a talking piece so that the speaker is known and recognized
• Listen deeply, between the lines, to what is said and unsaid
• Don’t interrupt, so as to respect the speaker; witness your internal responses and let them be until it’s your time speak
• Speak honestly and from the heart
• Speak succinctly, aware of the time and size of the group
• Speak spontaneously, avoiding rehearsing
• See each other as peers
• Seek to reveal and understand positions and assumptions, rather than attacking or defending
• Seek a collective truth, viewpoint, wisdom — perhaps fuller than any one individual’s truth
• Consider everything that enters the group’s awareness as part of the process, including the place, weather, interruptions – as well as what is unspoken, in the silences
• Value inquiry over advocacy
• Value curiosity over opinion
• Value understanding over self-defense
• Value building community over self-importance
• Value being truthful over being right

When we listen from the heart we:

• Seek understanding (vs. agreement)
• Accept others as they are (vs. fixing them)
• Empathize (vs. criticize or judge)
• Read the field (the group energy and mood)
• Stay centered (calm your “monkey mind”)
• Stay present (vs. running away or hiding)
• Witness your internal responses (& put them on “hold”)
• Honor feelings (yours and others)
• Find the gift in the wound
• Listen for the soul of the circle

When we speak from the heart we:

• Use “I” statements (vs. “you” — avoid characterizing others’ thoughts/feeings)
• Tell your personal story (vs. philosophizing)
• Favor feelings (over facts & opinions)
• Reveal your process (how you got where you are) and your conclusions
• Move toward vulnerability (vs. away from it)
• Tell the fullest possible truth (vs. edited truths)
• Be lean / cut to the chase (avoid “fill” or “thinking out loud”)
• Be spontaneous (vs. rehearsing or editing)